I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
