sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
