when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
