I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize