So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i think i have herpe
just one?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
