jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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