I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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