If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i out mim tonsoeep
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