I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
