I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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