Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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