in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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