the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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