Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
