How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
