I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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