How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Who died my cat blue again?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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