Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
