So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize