i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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