We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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