how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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