sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
