I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
