So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
