I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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