I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
