I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
