I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
