I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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