maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Randomize
