Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
