how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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