Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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