Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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