How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
