Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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