I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
