someone threw a dead crab at me
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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