he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
