Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
