It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
