My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
