There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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