Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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