Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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