it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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