The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Randomize
