i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize