Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
