Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
