I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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