let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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