I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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