thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
