How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
