good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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