dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
